Tag: self-expression

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The I-dentity Game

From the first day when we arrive on earth people tell us

a) who we are

b) who we are supposed to be.

To me that´s been the biggest issue on my spiritual path. a + b used to disconnect me from my true self and spirit.

It´s the cause of all self worth issues on this planet and the root of all the distortions we create.

Until this very day people throw their judgements onto me. My spiritual path makes me “crrrazy” in their eyes. My dedication to my path is seen as “naive”, “pointless”, “unrealistic” by people whom see success only when it comes in titles and money. Oh, and  don´t  get me wrong, being judgemental is not only an issue of everydays people, the spiritual communities are sometimes even worse, as there are a lot of people in it who want to be better in some way. The spiritual role can be totally distorted. They have just changed their topic from youthfulness and versace to yoga-positions and vegan cheese. It´s still an attempt to make the own ways the better and the other as “less”.

And all of it has been just an issue as long as I accepted it. When I look back it didn´t even matter if I still believed in their judgement or later felt into my inner truth and resisted their accusations. It really doesn´t matter if we buy into the ways of the distorted ego, or fight and resist it – we still feed it when we give any attention or energy into it. Until we don´t. End of game.

Dare it. Don´t compromise yourself for false friends. Be true to yourself and it won´t really matter who you loose, all you will win is your time, money, energy and self worth. Someone elses point of view has nothing to do with our own relationship with ourselves. What is the one that really counts on the long run.

All else might come and go, but “you with you” – that´s for eternity.

The ego, what is a huge topic in many spiritual teachings, is only arising when the self is denied. There´s no need to deny or fight the ego, if we allow us to simply be, the ego will no longer be an issue. It´s the ultimate coming home.

Please never feel bad about the human experience. Once we chose to express ourselves in the adventures of physical experiences, where we feel apart from source. There´s nothing wrong about it, we are the bravehearts of the multiverse for going into this density. And when we incarnate we need a kind of identity, so we create roles. But it should be our own creation and choice and we should be aware that we can change it every moment, as we are a fractal of all that is, free to be whatever we choose. The ego is arising the moment when we deny ourselves for the above mentioned a + b of others. It has invested in the lies and holds on to them for dear life. Have compassion for its fears, but choose your true, eternal being.

How can we know if it is a false identity or our true self, that we express? Whenever we act out of our true being, we feel in alignment with creation. We feel at peace and at ease. Often we can experience this kind of flow when we are creative in some way. For me writing for example feels natural, as I am at ease and love this kind of selfexpression. There´s no time when I am in the flow. Also nature works for me and many others to get in touch with the eternal self.

The more exhausting an identity, a role, is – the further it is apart from our real self.

That´s why a job for a paycheck is often exhausting and our true calling is normally fun. Well, and often the pressure is what kills the pleasure. We have to create out of an inner passion and fire, coming from our soul, otherwise we lose even interest in our most beautiful activities.

May you be happy with no ending. One and in love with your true self.

The freeing of the throat chakra

I am living a life that is filled with wonders. It really is, they are sometimes happening to me, sometimes happening through me or witnessed by me. Often these wonders have had many little steps of preparing before a huge groundbreaking step could be made, that seems like an unbelievable wonder, coming out of the blue. Literally in this case, as the color of the throat-chakra is blue.

I have been silenced and killed for speaking my truth so very often, like so many of us have been. Experiencing to stay in silence when we should have spoken up, or to have spoken, when we should´ve stay silent. Whatever we did, it always had lead into trauma of some kind.

Exactly one year ago I was told by a guy that I should be more careful with my self-expression, as I´d not be aware of the power of my words. I looked at him and thought that he is not aware, that this power he projected onto me, was also his own and that he silenced me so often in other lifes because he struggeled with his own power and voice. Well, this time he didn´t kill me physically, but took my voice in other ways with much cruelty. We were a perfect match of suppressed self-expression. But it could do me no real harm, as I am using all adversities now  as stepping stones and try to transmute all energies. And a lot of it had to do with freeing my throat and taking back my voice.

I have described a few weeks ago in a blogpost, how my creativity had been suppressed in my childhood and how I had started with writing almost 12 years ago. Many things happened to free my throat in these years. Bringing out my first two books the last 5 years, I have had  a writers podcast, I´ve been creating this blog a year ago, in a language that I almost not even dared to speak, because of mean mocking about my abilities to express myself in english. In the beginning of 2017 I even started to have little vids on a YouTube-Channel and I recorded two guided meditations into the “Inner Rosegarden”. Recently I had started a german blog about my childhood abuse and speaking about my true self as a Healer of Hearts. I have started to express myself in many ways, but I never dared to sing, as I´ve been unable to hold the tone and have been deeply shamed for that. I had also described in that blogpost how I nevertheless once have sung a song to my daughter when she was a baby and how she had felt the love in my voice and stopped crying and fell asleep.

But still I couldn´t hold a tone and was very shy even when singing a happy birthday together with others when my voice was hardly heared at all. Well, yesterday I went to an online meeting for “Balancing your throat chakra”.

Today I suddenly starting singing. And don´t get me wrong, I´ll not start a new business and I will not become a great singer. But I used my voice naturally, expressing my feelings openly and not feeling ashamed at all. To prove it I have today recorded the song I have been singing to my daughter as a baby. It was created out of two Elvis-Songs, that came to my mind that night 30 years ago, when I had tried to comfort my crying daughter. Today this song, you hear when opening the link: The freeing of the throat-chakra had closed a beautiful circle. I have just changed the lyrics a little bit.

A deeply felt “Thank you” to everyone, that helped me to become free, like a bird in a tree.

Expectations, disappointments and creative blockages

I remember when I was a little girl and presented my pictures or sang a song that noone took notice or even worse: how I had been deeply shamed with cruel words.

So I stopped painting, singing and all forms of creative self-expression at all. The only accepted form of arts have been literature, as books were necessary to get good marks at school and being well-educated hightened the social position.

The things I have presented as a child had been created with all of my passion, out of my little heart, the way all little children do. But they´ve been judged by the mind and that created a huge blockage within me. I cannot hold a tone although I love music, especially the human voice, and my paintings still look like the pictures of a five year old, as I stopped evolving in these creative areas.

When I was a young adult my little daughter had colics and as I didn´t know what else to do to comfort her, I started singing her a song out of despair. Noone else has been with us and she already cried terribly, so I dared  to try the last thing I could think of. And a wonder happened, she stopped crying and fell asleep. And that wonder not only happened once, but became a proven fact, as it did work always. She was a baby, she didn´t listen with her mind, she listened with her heart at that age. She could hear the love and love is the masterhealer  and the most comfortable place to be. Feels like home.

Today I realized how huge the blockage is that I carried arround since I was a child. As already mentioned books have been acceptable in my family, even my mother loves them. So when I started to express myself again it has been through writing. Well, I remember when I gave my last book to my mother. She came out of her bedroom the next morning and said she had kept reading half of the night, that this book is really not badly written. When she saw that I started smiling, she added: “Well, of course one can see that Jenny (my daughter) has written a lot of it.” I starred at my mother and said: “No, she´s very busy herself, she helped me finding mistakes, but this book was written by me.” My mother insisted: “No, there is a lot of very intelligent psychology in it, that comes from Jenny.” And I answered: “Well she is my daughter, she´s got some interests and talents in common with me. That book is mine. ”

Today I realized that I had connected my disappointments for not being valued, with all that I create from my heart. Noone likes disappointments, so I stopped creating. And when I started to create again I still expected that people would ignore or dislike it. And what we send out, we attract. The HeArt of Creation. I have an imprint inside of me for not being valued for what is comming out of my heart and what I love.

But that imprint in itself is already wrong data. The mistake has not been my self-expression, but that I expected others would like it.  And what a strange idea to be appreciated by people that have totally other values…and a closed heart.

Today I swore myself, that I will write, sing, dance and express myself every single day of my life. Not for others, but because I might explode or end in deep depression if I don´t do it. We came here to express ourselves, everything that we do should come out of our heart. It is not important if others like it, but that we like it ourselves. And once in a while we stumble over like-minded, the ones that connect with us from heart to heart. What a blessing!

Shine your light, precious soul!