I remember when I was a little girl and presented my pictures or sang a song that noone took notice or even worse: how I had been deeply shamed with cruel words.
So I stopped painting, singing and all forms of creative self-expression at all. The only accepted form of arts have been literature, as books were necessary to get good marks at school and being well-educated hightened the social position.
The things I have presented as a child had been created with all of my passion, out of my little heart, the way all little children do. But they´ve been judged by the mind and that created a huge blockage within me. I cannot hold a tone although I love music, especially the human voice, and my paintings still look like the pictures of a five year old, as I stopped evolving in these creative areas.
When I was a young adult my little daughter had colics and as I didn´t know what else to do to comfort her, I started singing her a song out of despair. Noone else has been with us and she already cried terribly, so I dared to try the last thing I could think of. And a wonder happened, she stopped crying and fell asleep. And that wonder not only happened once, but became a proven fact, as it did work always. She was a baby, she didn´t listen with her mind, she listened with her heart at that age. She could hear the love and love is the masterhealer and the most comfortable place to be. Feels like home.
Today I realized how huge the blockage is that I carried arround since I was a child. As already mentioned books have been acceptable in my family, even my mother loves them. So when I started to express myself again it has been through writing. Well, I remember when I gave my last book to my mother. She came out of her bedroom the next morning and said she had kept reading half of the night, that this book is really not badly written. When she saw that I started smiling, she added: “Well, of course one can see that Jenny (my daughter) has written a lot of it.” I starred at my mother and said: “No, she´s very busy herself, she helped me finding mistakes, but this book was written by me.” My mother insisted: “No, there is a lot of very intelligent psychology in it, that comes from Jenny.” And I answered: “Well she is my daughter, she´s got some interests and talents in common with me. That book is mine. ”
Today I realized that I had connected my disappointments for not being valued, with all that I create from my heart. Noone likes disappointments, so I stopped creating. And when I started to create again I still expected that people would ignore or dislike it. And what we send out, we attract. The HeArt of Creation. I have an imprint inside of me for not being valued for what is comming out of my heart and what I love.
But that imprint in itself is already wrong data. The mistake has not been my self-expression, but that I expected others would like it. And what a strange idea to be appreciated by people that have totally other values…and a closed heart.
Today I swore myself, that I will write, sing, dance and express myself every single day of my life. Not for others, but because I might explode or end in deep depression if I don´t do it. We came here to express ourselves, everything that we do should come out of our heart. It is not important if others like it, but that we like it ourselves. And once in a while we stumble over like-minded, the ones that connect with us from heart to heart. What a blessing!
Shine your light, precious soul!