Finding SoulutionsPosted by Natalie Tue, November 08, 2016 09:52:24
We all have patterns that play out again and again. These patterns have been installed in our childhood (but don´t forget that we choose these parents for good reasons). There is no use in blaming the parents endlessly. Observe the pattern, but don´t stay in the helpless child position. Just the opposite, your trapped inner child needs you as the loving and responsible adult, to:
1. Observe the pattern.
2. Break the pattern.
We experience the manipulative mother or the distanced father, or whatever you experienced, again and again in our relationships. It may play out as a boss, you can never please or as a picky mother in law.
So we have to find out the pattern. What happens again and again in your life? Do you always have helpless people around you, that need to be saved by you? Do you try to convince someone that you are lovable and worthy? Do you have people around, that want you to fulfill their needs without taking care of you? People that belittle you? Or you, thinking you´ve got to be somehow better than the others and belitteling them?
There are no accidents. To find out the pattern, you might take a sheet of paper and write down 5 relationships you have been stuggeling with. What do they have in common? Not necessarily partnerships, but in partnerships these patterns are mostly quite intense.
It is very important to find and adress that pattern. If you have found it, it´s mostly very plain to see that you experienced that in your childhood. Or you try it the other way aroung: look at your childhood and than look around where you experience a replay.
The second step is to become aware while a situation is playing out what is happening. Your helpless friend calls you the 3rd evening in a row, cause her drunk husband beats her. Is that your mother you wanna rescue? You can´t, it´s not up to you.
Is your boss wanting you the 5th time this month to work extra-hours? Is this your father or mother, that has never been satisfied and you still try to prove what a good girl or boy you are? Don´t! Someone unable to see your worth, can´t be convinced. Point.
Well now comes the hardest part. You have to change this behaviour. On your inside and on the outside. The inside is more important. If you still think you are not worthy you may ask your boss for more money as often as you want. It´s not the words, it´s your attitude. You have to feel that you are worthy.
You may show how worthy you are and refuse the extra-work, cause you love yourself and having a nice evening you appreciate a lot. You are responsible to take care for you, not to prove anything to anyone.
Or the helpless friend. The only help you may offer is selfhelp. Give her the adress of a shelter, call the police or find a couch for her for the night. But make very clear that if she goes back to that guy you won´t talk to her no more. And not only say it, mean it and do it. May be really, really hard to hang up the phone when she calls next time. If she chooses toxic relationships, that´s fine for her, but she has no right to poison your life. Friends help each other, but they don´t become co-dependent. Goes for relationships also. If this friend hasn´t enough love for herself and for you to stop this madness, nothing you say or do can save her. Sometimes people have to go to a very dark place before they start to search for light. There is no use in lengthen that path or in sharing hell.
I know how hard this might feel. I know it very well. But the spell is broken, when you break the pattern.
A really good trick is to do something totally unusual. Repetionmode needs repetition, so every change in the own behaviour is really mighty. In case you would normally cuddle in with ice-cream after a break-up, or to write him a tear-filled loveletter to convince him to come back, do something unuasual. Go and paint a wall at 3 o´clock in the morning. Skip with a rope. Have a walk with the neighbors dog. Climb a mountain. Paint a picture. Jump backwards in your garden. Do whatever you wouldn´t do normally.
You will have a few repetitions afterwards. Nothing to worry about, that´s just the waves coming to the shore long after the seaquake is over. Stay on your path, all is well. If you couldn´t change your behaviour, don´t pick on you. The universe will give you endless situations until you make it one day. The most important part is to strengthen yourself on the inside. And you don´t do that through fighting, but with love for yourself. If you truly love yourself, you´ll take care for your trapped inner child and you will free it one day. Until that day give him/her as much love as you have.
Shine your light!